Tuesday, February 21, 2006

American Fitness Initiative

It has come to the attention of the Unitary Executive that American Fitness has slipped, our children is obese, and performance of the US squad at the Turin Olympics has been particularly disappointing with the US no longer totally kicking ass, like it is supposed to.

Therefore, as part of the 2007 budget request, billions and billions of dollars are requested to fix this.

We propose 100,000 new "fitness instructors" as role models for our kids, to be hired by schools, paid for by States and local school districts.

We expect 30,000 of these to be professional athletes, preferably NFL or NBA players, including retirees. We will allocate $25 Million to provide incentive bonuses for recruiting these Top Fitness people to our schools. That is almost One Thousand Dollars per instructor.

The other 70,000 "fitness instructors" will be recruited from the vast pool of fit young people coming out of the nation's colleges, such as College NCAA-I football players, and cheerleaders. We will provide $122 Million to provide training and certification for these new teachers, and also provide incentives for existing teachers to convert to "fitness instructors" by taking 6 week summer immersion fitness programs at universities, to get them up to pro-athlete fitness levels and prepare them for teaching advanced high school fitness.

Another $125 Million will be provided for a separate scheme to promote promising and research-based fitness practises for Middle School students and Elementary School students, to prepare them for the rigor of higher level fitness classes and eventual pro-football or competitive cheerleading careers.

We will also double, by 2013, funding provided to subsidise pro-stadia to provide full HDTV coverage of all professional sporting events. On cable OR dish.

85% of the funding in the American Fitness Initiative, through 2013, will go to provide "fitness in the workplace", with tax breaks for companies providing on-site exercise facilities, spas or massage facilities; and external company hunting trips or club memberships, for senior executives. The budget projections through 2017 are too uncertain to be calculated, CBO estimates that the cost will triple and 99% of it will be due to executive club subsidies are merely projections and assume the tax break will be extended indefinitely.

Update: an Anonymous Spokesman for the Unitary Executive has dismissed as "partisan liberal squabbling" complaints about the scope and funding of the AFI. The President gets his own gym as part of his Executive benefits, and it has done him a world of good; as have the Olympic class athletes who are invited to join him in exercises and provide Fitness Role Models. He also notes the Veep gets club benefit and has a real blast on his many productive on-the-job hunting trips.
Questions about where 30,000 professional athletes are to come from are typical of the so-called "reality based" community and those issues were addressed in our previous response last week, we want to move on to address issues that The American People, who I speak for, really care about. Any questions about the American Abstinence Initiative, Les?"

Postdate: Last week the Anonymous Spokesman, off the record, noted that The President wants 100,000 Top Fitness Instructors, and The President will get 100,000 Top Fitness Instructors. I don't know who Athena is (WNBA? pro-cheerleader?), or why her paternity matters (wasn't Seuss a subversive children's book writer?), but if she wants the One Thousand Dollar sign-on bonus, she can step up with the rest of our patriotic role model professional athletes.
Of course we have a back-up plan, as the OMB document clearly indicates, we will incent 50 year old English Majors to sign up for summer sport camps, they will have 6 weeks to reach pro-level fitness, we expect NHL or higher levels of fitness.
Of course they will do it; there is a One Thousand Dollar Bonus, they're English Majors. And the States will pay the camp fees, can't be more than a few thou' per session. Sheesh people. We spent hours on planning this.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, does this mean more or less square-dancing? That was the worst week of every year.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Steinn said...

I don't know, it will depend on what promising research-based fitness practises dictate.
Unless there's some Texas Pioneer who particularly likes, or dislikes, square-dancing.

Come to think of it, More Square Dancing, and Country Line Dancing.
The American Abstinence Initiative will ban all Dirty Dancing, including Hip Hop and Rock'n'Roll.
But definitely more graeco-roman style wrestling, and cheerleaders.

2:24 PM  

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